Every once in a while I hit a lull. I have no reasoning for it, I don’t feel down or depressed but I do feel like I have no energy or interest in anything so I go into my own zone. I read that this was a form of regrouping when one feels overwhelmed.
I don’t know, I haven’t analysed it or monitored it as closely as I have with other areas of my arthritis life, perhaps I will now though b/c for four days I barely shifted from the sofa, I barely held a conversation with the kids and I barely done anything. This isn’t me. It just isn’t.
Perhaps its the fact I’m not sleeping properly or comfortably on the sofa but do you know how difficult it is to get up my stairs? With that battle I find I barely sleep through the night b/c I’m in pain from it, and it’s not an option to spend all my time up there when my kids need me. Not that I’ve been much use to them this last few days.
Then yesterday my lil dude got upset. He woke up and as usual we had cuddles and a little chat then he snuggled in a little tighter. I love our cuddles. With a croaky voice he asked me to tell him something new about his dad, so we ventured that conversation for an hour or so. I dont want him thinking badly of his dad, even though he’s not been around for 7 years now, yet I also let Charley know that it was Simon’s choice to not see him or keep contact when he moved to Dubai, I always left the option open for him to maintain contact anytime at all, no limits. It’s so hard speaking about this to my 9 yr old who wants a dad so badly.
We got to talking about Heavenly Father, the plan of salvation and the pre-mortal life. It turned into a very positive (and early) family home evening. He chatted, I listened, he asked questions, I searched the brain and we each felt our hearts lighten. A couple of hours later we hugged again and we played a game before he sat playing with the cat, SJ and I sunk into my own thoughts.
When it all comes down to it, life is simple. I chose to have each of my 4 children, each of them are different and unique. Each have a special place in my heart, each have taught me different things, each have different personalities, each chose me to be their mom and each of them have my unconditional love and commitment forever and always.
All I ever wanted was to be a wife and a mom. I wanted 6 kids but the machinery died during #4 so I had to stop but that’s ok, perhaps I’ll meet someone with kids or get to foster one day. I love being a mom. I don’t think there’s anything I’ll do or achieve that will compare.
What does this have to do with arthritis, I hear you say. Well, everything and nothing. I once said to Charley, “Id really appreciate your help instead of complaining, it’s b/c I have to live with all this pain and discomfort that you get to have the things you have, be grateful’. I felt really hard at this point, I don’t have to into parenting with firmness with Charley, he’s one of those ‘easy’ kids who knows what’s right and wrong and loves to ‘ctr’ (choose the right). I got to thinking though, its not just us that has to count our blessings that bit more, but even before this diagnosis I was determined to work, my only option was to go self employed. It’s not like I had no experience in this area after all but I didn’t have the start up costs for it. Pruning and tuning bought me to the various roads I’ve travelled in the self employment world to the point I’m at now and even back then my kids had to learn and practice gratitude. It’s not about stuff, it’s about people. My friends hear me say that so often it’s become one of my mantra’s!
So while I sat on my sofa this last few days struggling to find any mojo, while I sat there wondering how I can do more, do better, be more, be better I just listened to my sons heart and found that whatever I do will never be as important as the time I put into my kids.
My son taught me a lesson, above all else he, his sister and his brothers are the focal point of my life, the reason I’m not giving up. The rest will fall into place at the right time.
So who cares that I have a pile of washing up or a mountain of ironing. Who cares that I lost something of myself for a few days b/c even though I’m on a stronger track lately I had a blip and felt totally useless and unloved. I’m glad it’s temporary.
Debs
No comments:
Post a Comment