A little bit of me

There's always some part of us that we think is missing. I think it's just the human-ness in us. Sometimes this missing thing can change our outlook on life, sometimes we hike up our socks and just get on with it. I guess it depends what it is.

I started going back to church lately and I'm loving it. I think the relevant people are beginning to understand that my condition has priority over me but I worry that it will affect all the things I want to do within the ward. I have the sweetest visiting teachers, one who is not too dissimilar to me in nature; she's awesome and she inspires me to work through so much more than I probably would. I still do that comparing my weakness to the ideals I'd like thing and I suppose in a way I'm still grieving the life I had and will probably never have with the mobility restrictions. How can I be reliable when I don't know how things are one day to the next? I can only explain so much before anyone stops listening.

I lay awake on the sofa at around 5am this morning planning my day ahead, I have parties to design, individual items to design and create then get photo'd so I can load them on the website, I have a home management book I'm working on and a home that I'm still creating daily and that's not to mention the homeschooling and the lessons. I have a good life, I like how it is, constantly working on things, improving, changing, reshaping, adding and learning. We have a good home, fun, happy, safe and welcoming. But there's one little part of me that is missing.

Love.

This isn't something I would usually be so open about but a few of my friends have challenged me to share my thoughts on being a single parent, self employed, homeschooler and an arthritis endurer so here's my shot at it:

I always knew I wanted to be a mom. I have four kids and two grand-daughters. I've walked through hell for two of them and we've all come through the other side, better, stronger and better equipped for other things in life. Being married and divorced twice is nothing to be proud of but I have no regrets, only that I couldn't make them work. My first ex husband was a good man, we had a pretty good relationship for a long time till things just disintegrated one day and I left. We remained very good friends for years, we parented together still and I encouraged him to date again. I got on extremely well with his girlfriend but that changed with her insecurities so eventually it turned out he turned his back on almost everyone but his partner. I had to pick up the pieces and sometimes I still do, my daughter tries harder than she should do to build a relationship with her dad but he just isn't interested. By the time she reached 17 I told her to look at what she has rather than what she hasn't. I think it's lessened the pain. As a mom this breaks my heart. My second marriage saw him have an affair. Some may say our marriage must have had its problems, some say it's a personal responsibility thing. All I know is I thought we were strong enough to work through his career choices, I made his life too easy apparently. Eventually life without kids won, even his son is in his past, not my choice by a long shot but again I pick up the pieces and do the best job I can. And trust me, I am doing a great job!

Being self employed is natural to me, I've been self employed for longer than I can remember and it's the best way that I can still be the hands on mom I want to be and still work. It's not been an option to be anything other than self employed for over 10 years. It works around my family, it works because I am doing my passion not something I happen to like, there's a big difference. Work is fun and creative, my kids can have an input and I can work while they're here and when they aren't. When I work I feel like I have a little bit of outlet for myself.

Homeschooling is a temporary decision. Made b/c of my mobility issues and the schools strong reluctance to support or help when I struggled to get Charley to school reinforced that the new academy status had shifted over to statistics not education. Waiting for Charley to be assessed for his apparent dyslexia (the school and I use aids that endorse this) has been on the cards for 3 years, if it's not done by the time he starts high school he wont get recognition for it and therefore I worry that he'll struggle. Hes very academic, I want to keep that so while I focus mostly on numeracy, literacy, reading and creativity I feel comfortable that he's getting what he needs. We have super elective home education co-ordinator who helps us out and reassures me that we are doing more than we need to and therefore doing a good job.

Arthritis is here to stay, no matter what I do. I'm taking one day at time with it. I still have constant aches in my fingers, ankles, knees etc but it's more manageable. I still deal with stiffness and fatigue, but I will deal with it day by day. I'm just thankful it's not something terminal.

I run my home relatively organised. I want to be the mom, the one who has everyone's back, creates the rooms that feel safe and happy. I love diy and creating so I try to do what I can where I can. My kids do a lot to help me yet certain things are their responsibility anyway. We work, we laugh, we love, we hug a lot, play and we relax.

Then there's me. One half of something invisible. Shall I tell you a secret here? I have a crush on someone. ;) Only one other person knows about this and he has his life on the life if he reveals it b/c I have no intention of doing anything about it. Why? Well I think people need to be on the same level field as one another to be able to match, and while I think that's not a given I'm not prepared to find out, cos this darn arthritis has definitely put me on the unlevel field whether I like it or not.

While I'm not thrilled over it, I'll settle for admiring from afar...if you can call it that! :) If it's ever intended to change then I know the Lord will intervene. Simples.

Debs